The 37 Moods of Halloween Candy
0 candies: Relax and live a little, put on a costume! It’s just candy!
“Mom, guess what my favorite candy is?!”
1 candy: Brava, you have the self-control of an #influencer! That one mini Twix will surely get you through the next 365 days, no problem. Honey and Greek yogurt ftw.
“Mom, why don’t you like candy?”
“Mom, why don’t you like candy?”
2 candies: So virtuous! Such a good role model!
...
But you missed the peanut butter cups and dark chocolate, and what if they do really taste “fun”?
“Go brush your teeth, sweeties! Time to put the rest of the candy away.”
“Go brush your teeth, sweeties! Time to put the rest of the candy away.”
10 candies: Ugh, it's like they think we won't even notice this candy is just crystallized trash if we just eat enough of it.
...
Though it really is unfair that Kid A has more peanut butter cups than Kid 1. Hmm.
“Moooom! Where did you put my candy?”
“Moooom! Where did you put my candy?”
20 candies: Oh god, oh god. It’ll just be one night! Really! The kids will thank you when they’re old enough to understand. Maybe I should look one more time, just to be sure it's even now?
...
Oooh, a hidden Twix!!! F*ck, why aren’t those children in bed yet?!
“Why are there so many candy wrappers in the trash, mom?”
“Why are there so many candy wrappers in the trash, mom?”
30 candies: Never. Again. I mean it this time! Hmm, do the piles look uneven to anyone else?
“Honey, where did you put the leftover candy?”
“Honey, where did you put the leftover candy?”
31 candies: Gave him the decoy pile. Ugh, I am a terrible person. Still, it’s better for both of us. I need to brush the smell off my breath before he gets too close.
“Why are there only Tootsie Rolls and raisins left in this stash, babe?!”
“Why are there only Tootsie Rolls and raisins left in this stash, babe?!”
32 candies: Oh my god, my body is convulsing and I need to eat a head of kale, watch that documentary on CrossFit and wallow in my eternal shame.
“Are you actually eating my Tootsie Rolls while you watch that weird documentary again?”
“Are you actually eating my Tootsie Rolls while you watch that weird documentary again?”
35 candies: I am a master. I am a goddess.
“Why do you do this every year?!”
“Why do you do this every year?!”
36 candies: I am sweating sugar.
“Jesus! Why are you licking yourself?!!!! This is the last time, babe!”
“Jesus! Why are you licking yourself?!!!! This is the last time, babe!”
37 candies: I am candy.
“You said you weren’t going to do this again this year!”
“You said you weren’t going to do this again this year!”